http://www.blog.joelx.com/corporate-rap ... uits/1033/Corporate Rapper Jerel Smith Quits Bloomberg, Cuts Down EnemiesSome guy named Jerel Smith quit working for Bloomberg and sent the following email to all of his coworkers… It basically just tells the people Jerel Smith didn’t like off and gives some advice to everyone else at the end. Unfortunately, Jerel Smith forgot the existence of the internet and the fact that funny F U letters to your former colleagues are now will follow you for the rest of your life. He even posted the letter on his friendster… I hope his music career works out, because no company will ever hire him again lol. Jerel Smith quit working for Bloomberg four days ago, and I think that I am the first blog/website to pick it up. Below is a screenshot of his corporate screen (though why Bloomberg is using 1998 era software beats me).
I do have to give it to him though… Jerel Smith either has a very big pair or he has nothing between his ears. Maybe both lol. Anyways, as usual, my commentary is in italics
Where do I begin?
I’m sure you’ve read your share of goodbye letters so you know the drill. Head
up to the 6th floor,grab the latest “go green for the environment and not cuz
ss21 *our sales tracking function* has more minuses than a 4th grade math class”
snack and settle in.
*Fon…a function to look up someones name using their first and or last name*
{Fon mic la} *Old senior salesperson*…dude….you’ve been there 9+ years, don’t
you think hijacking a colleagues computer, changing their msg9 and entering fake
ballet lessons in their out is getting old? I wish you several years of early morning
mid forehead tea bags by none other than bigfoot himself. Now that’s humor….as
soon as they’re not around you talk shyt about steph, curtis, kevin, yang,
gomez, sobo, swartz, scher, montoya, soares, gabe, janet, david szo, u name
‘em he’s gossiping about them faster than a desperate house wife…I sat next
to this bag of twaut for a year so believe me I know. No one gives a duece that
you were a dj in the 80s..nearly 30 years ago….its over. You’re not funny
dude, you remind me of this guy in my 6th grade class named Dip Shytman who
was the self procclaimed class clown…tell a joke, and watch the person who gave
u a courtesy laugh…are they still laughing when you look at them 4 seconds
later? You’re not fooling anyone, your low self esteem is more apparent than
you’re polarized associations with your chinese italian heritage when either
side is seemingly convenient…I use to blaze every morning and at lunch just
to numb myself to ur mouth flappage, stop telling everyone about your mystery
diet, that….doesn’t exist, for real results see the section on {fon mar swa}
…done
Steph, *Old colleague* don’t trust this dude, if u had any idea the shyt he’s said
about you, the credit he’s taken for your sales and hard work…let it be known
who the real engine behind sapi is…side note steph, that broke my heart, thought
you were more savy than that, that’s all I have for you, I hope everything works
out, bar the last issue you’ve been like a big sis to me, I look up to you and
how you handle clients, I choose to remember everything positive
{Fon Lex fen} *Former CEO* …I’d love to smack the heroine needle out of your arm and shove
it up your purple suited arsse you loud mouth tasteless family size bag o’
douche…no wonder you’re always screaming at everyone, you probably need a fix
you amy winehouse hermaphradite bbc walking fashion fopa….quiet the fuk down,
join narcotics anonymous, and stop wearing suits that match the neon colored
rooms of the building….peter g. Runs the show, everyone knows that, fukin
court jesture…and soomee, rock on…done
{Fon Har sch} *Former Colleauge* so I thought u were cool mang, till of course u became a TL and ascended to the ranks of tomfukery. Lay off the new guys for
Christ Sake, Napolean syndrome? Little mans disease anyone? Why do you stomp so hard when you walk? You’re like 67 pounds, trying to make your presence felt?
When you look in the mirror in the morning…do u see a minature size pooper
scooper? One made coutre for say…paris hiltons dog? Done
Now what’s your name again? The former head of adsk that was sleeping with
justin lada and made out with him at a company party in front of everyone and
was moved to sales soon after for the sole reason that daddy waddy is daddy
walbucks? We didn’t forget… Count Smutula….I hope the revolving door
smacked the starbucks out of your mouth…no that wasn’t an accident, snitch,
how many meetings have you missed, how many meetings have we all missed?
{Fon eli cit} *Former Colleague* for Christ sake, the man has a wife! You think we
don’t notice when your outs coincide while traveling? The frequent breaks together?
Its like watching the captain cheerleader makeout with the star athlete, and dude,
bbg’s Ron Korning, don’t think I forgot that day on the escalator when you know who
did you know what…that’s just a little secret between me and you. I’m sure
your apartment smells of leather bound books and mahogony…what cnn wasn’t
hiring? …done
{Fon2 gord fark} *Head of TradeBook, another branch of Bloomberg* To easy….
Plus I’m sure you would take this out on my buddies in tb…and they’re good guys.
But bryan ahrens sends his regards…know what I mean? {fuccurself } god I
hope I wrote the link right
{Fon mar mur} *Former Colleague* were u always like that? or was it the new title?
Are you displacing your anger about…well…you know. I don’t wanna be mean here
so I’ll just say you can work on that issue or choose not to its up to you, but
stop being a total…well….you know, like a mother of lassie, there how’s
that, that wasn’t to bad….
Who’s that guy who was a tl of conneticut a while back? Tall brit dude with
diahrea of the mouth…nobody likes you dude…no one wants to travel with you
cuz apparently you never shut the fuk up, none of the girls new to sales want
to date you so stop sitting on their desk and running your pilsbury piehole.
You harassed a good buddy of mine for months, she’s not interested, I wish she
would ante up and take u to hr already….done…also…you look like a
characature of my scrotum…ok seriosly…done
{Fon mar swar} *Former Sales Manager* I’m convince that you wake up every
morning and jack off with sand paper then crank up hannah montana and do 9
minute billy blanks abs. Fit for life! Awesome, next….counselling….You socially awkward rectal
cavern…learn some interpersonal communication skills…learn to talk to
people with some respect…better yet just respect yourself and maybe it will
become transitive…done
Lindsey kemp already left….shyt, cuz that woulda been fun
I’m sure I’m missing a few like the closet racist {fon geo waek} but I had to
get that off my chest. To much goes unsaid at bbg, like the ridiculous pay we
receive…fuk a cert, what good will that do a rep in the now? You either have
to throw it in your 401k a year from now and cross your fingers cuz of this
awesome market or take half after taxes eat out your hard work. Bbg’s a farm, I
have a lot of respect for bloomie, he’s a genius… Create a company to higher
young attractive people, teach them how to use bbg and wait for turnover to
occur… A rep paid 45k a year will repay that when they leave and purchase a
bbg at their new place of employment. Bloomie took a risk, he invested that
severance check in an idea and look at him now…he grabbed his balls and took
a jump…well, balls in hand I’m taking a leap, and boy are they heavy…
Know your worth, if you’re doing intricate spreadsheets and building financial
models that sreps are truly ungrateful for, which you guys really are cuz you
have no idea how much work they actually require, and you look at your check
and don’t see it reflected in your pay. Take a look at the fear that keeps you
frozen in place. (Eckhart Tolle -power of now and a new earth….russel
simmons_ do you, tsun szu- the art of war…read em) Or maybe its not api maybe
you’re puting off that CFA or MBA! Get on it!!!! Stop being a chump, how many
excuses have you used thus far? buckle down and get after it….have an idea
for a start up? Flesh it out and make a move….if it doesn’t work out at least
you tried….its not enough to be proud because of someone elses last
name….”I work for Bloomberg”… Make your own mark…
If we had a bad interaction I was either stoned, tired (3 hrs of sleep a night
for two years working on my true passion and waking up for work the next
morning) or you’re probably just a douche. Thank god for no drug tests, right?
Yeah I know trust me, its my little secret friend…ps- the 6th floors totally
tripadelic with all the flashing lights…take lunch in central park…blaze a
doobee, tell the cops u work at bloomie and the misdemeanor becomes a loitering
citation, then comeback and be a 6th floor munchie pirate, top it off with a
nap in the quiet room.
Fuk ur go key
)
Rock on: Bob Huber, Ryan Dacey, Osakwe Beale, Zoe Karl, Keith Bunnell, Spells,
Jesse G, Nadorf, Gerard, Gonzo, Sobo, Gomez, Montoya, Siskind, George P, the
Andersons, Semedo, Emma D, Corbet, frat, Andy, Mcmullin, Ameado, Osbourne,
Cole, Meo. If I forgot u I’m typimg this while riding my bike. So my apologies
Max, Scott, I tip my hat to u guys I have the utmost respect for u and I
apologize for taking this long to figure out my direction.
Curtis…thanks for giving me room.
Everyone… If you want to have a drink with the kid, and hear me do my thing
and rant about bloomie. I’m performing at the Sugar Bar on Friday from 8-12.
254 72nd street between broadway and west end 1, 2, 3 train to 72nd and
broadway….free trump vodka cocktails….
Jerel Smith is now Corporate Rel, full time.
You can reach me at:
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